I want to write about my father. Posting recipes and acting as if nothing is happening is just unperceivable.
But it is so hard.
I think it might be easier to write about one’s father when the relationships are/were close and loving than when it was mostly full of disappointments.
I’ve read food bloggers posts about their fathers before, like the one that Molly from Orangette posted and the one that Michael Ruhlman wrote. Both of them had strong and loving relationships with their dads which they deeply love and adore.
But my story is different and I can’t really relate to their stories. I’m very happy for people who have such wonderful family ties but personally I find little consolation in them.
Maybe it’s just my point of view but I bet that at least 50% of the world population have difficulties with their parents. It’s a 50-50 chance, no?!
Anyway…
I lost my dad when I was about 3 years old.
My father has disappeared from life the day he walked out the door, went on a plane, and flew to another continent to start a new life. A life without me.
Thinking about it now when I’m all grown up and a parent myself, I think that maybe to me, as a little girl, he died way back then. What does a little girl understand about having a dad one day and the next day he is gone (almost) forever?
So the word “father” doesn’t really mean that much to me. Besides those first 3 years of my life, we never lived in the same continent, country, or state.
I think he wanted to have a family, but more than that he wanted to be free. Be free to do whatever he wants whenever he wants to. To travel, go out, party, be his own boss, live his life lightly without too much baggage to carry around or worry about. (If you’re a parent and/or someone who travels, you probably know how much stuff parents take when they travel with their kids…)
He is now very sick. I flew to visit him in the hospital. He is 60 years old but now looks like 120. Things don’t look good, but you can never know what’s going to happen next, right?! Maybe he will get better. I don’t know.
In the spirit of “Not Becoming My Mother” (a signed copy of the book giveaway) I’d say that being a parent can be hard and challenging, tiring, and frustrating at times. Kids have a lot of needs. It’s not easy for every person to be a good parent. Being a loving parent is not a natural instinct to everyone, even when they are created from their own flesh and blood.
What can I do?
Simple things.
Hug my children every day, let them know how amazing they are, say “I’m sorry” when I made a mistake…
And always look at them with a spark in my eye because they are the sunshine of my life.
Now go and give someone a hug.
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Kate
June 18th, 2009 at 5:12 am
Your story is very moving and I’m so sorry that you had this kind of relationship (or rather lack there of) with your father. Although my father was involved in most of my early years, he came and went as he pleased after that. He had, and still has an intense drinking problem, one that has cost him many, many of life’s most meaningful experiences, and possibilities. As a person, but especially now as a parent, I cannot even comprehend choosing any kind of life that would inhibit me from being present in my children’s life. But I can only speak for myself.
My husband’s father was absent a lot as well. When we had our first child all of these hidden emotions regarding our own parents re-surfaced. In many ways it has been healing for us; one of the greatest results has been our realizing the impact that our parent’s actions or absences took on our lives and now as parents ourselves, we’re doing whatever we can to make sure our own children never have to feel that same impact. It sounds like you are doing the same.
I can only imagine the great and difficult decision it was for you to travel to see the man who deserted you all those years ago. You are a strong person for doing so, and I know you will not regret it. You may never understand his reasons for leaving, but maybe for your own sake, it is better that way…
I am off to hug each of my children and spend a great day with them. Thanks for sharing this, I hope that your doing so has helped you heal a bit…
Katrina
June 18th, 2009 at 7:33 am
Thank you for sharing this glimpse into your life. I am lucky enough to have been raised by both of my parents in a loving home. I still have them both, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to try to make them happy.
Vered - MomGrind
June 18th, 2009 at 9:33 am
Wow.
I’m glad you wrote about it. I hope it was a cathartic experience for you.
HUGS.
Nurit - 1 family. friendly. food.
June 18th, 2009 at 9:38 am
Kate: Yes, “I cannot even comprehend choosing any kind of life that would inhibit me from being present in my children’s life” either. And, yes, I am healing through my experience as a mother.
Of course becoming a parent in the first place was scary for me as I was afraid I will do the same mistakes as my parents.
I have a chance of compensating myself for all the things I never had and needed through giving them to my children. I feel so lucky that I am strong and able to give my children other, better life experiences. Some people fall into the trap of treating their own children as badly as they were treated as kids. How tragic is that?
Katrina: Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me very happy to hear about loving families.
Diana
June 18th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Oh Nurit, I cried reading your post. My husband and I volunteer with hurting teenagers and pretty much every one of them has emotional wounds from their fathers, either because they’re physically absent, or emotionally absent. We can both relate to those hurts as well. I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through and am so glad you can write about the pain it caused you and your desire to not let your kids experience that loss. What a beautiful post.
Nurit - 1 family. friendly. food.
June 18th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Thank you, Vered and Diana.
The main reason I am writing these recent posts is because I know many people are hurting about their families. I have found my ways to heal after years of pain and I would like to share that story with others. I hope that in some way, maybe I will be able to help others a little.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. We need to want to see it and we need to want to go there.
Leslie
June 18th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Thanks for your post, Nurit, and your honesty. The idea of family is such a cherished one, and when you have a complicated situation or unusual relationship, it can feel almost sacrilegious to admit that there can be conflicting or ambivalent feelings. But I really believe one has to have the space to be honest about such things in order to make peace with them and try to be a happy and positive person in the present. I think it’s great you are using this to work through those feelings as you face your father’s illness.
On a lighter note, I had to laugh when I saw your comment on stuff. I don’t have kids myself. Yet I always seem to have so many things to be dragging around with me. When I look at my friends who are parents, I always think, “My god, if I had kids, I’d have like three times this much stuff to be responsible for when I am out and about. I’d lose my mind!” I don’t know how you all do it!
Leslie’s last blog post..The Best Dessert I’ve Ever Made: Chipotle Gingerbread, Caramel Ice Cream & Coffee Sauce
Nurit - 1 family. friendly. food.
June 18th, 2009 at 11:35 am
Leslie: I’m glad it made you laugh as I was trying to be funny. It’s good to know I was successful.
Yes, it’s lots and lots of stuff, at home and on the road. But traveling with kids, although tiring, is a lot of fun. A chance to do things that kids do, only as an adult.
unconfidentialcook
June 18th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
What a special post–thank you for sharing. I’d like to know more: How did you reconnect with your father and how did he feel when he saw how much he’d missed? More importantly, how did you feel about reconnecting?
unconfidentialcook’s last blog post..Muhammara–Lebanese Walnut Dip (*RR)
frantic foodie
June 18th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
you are very brave to write something like this. My father is not a part of my life, well hardly a part of my life. Yesterday the dentist’s secretary said to me. You grew up with home cooked meals, all around the table, family life, didn’t you? I laughed,
No!Not at all. She said I looked very family oriented. I am now because when you get older, you make your own decisions and create your own family. Good for you for telling the truth about the way things are. My yoga teacher one said, be conscious…
Lori @ RecipeGirl
June 19th, 2009 at 5:34 am
Oh dear, what a post. Nurit, my friend… I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. My parents divorced when I was very young, but my Father never had a commanding influence or presence in my life. It was more of an ‘obligation,’ I always felt. My relationship w/ him as an adult was always very strained and uncomfortable. He passed away a few years ago. I think I’m more sad about never having had a relationship w/ him than I am about him being gone. It sounds like you are experiencing much of the same. Hugs to you!
Nurit - 1 family. friendly. food.
June 19th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
unconfidentialcook: That’s a long story with chapters
. More to come.
frantic foodie: sounds like you managed to turn things around and create a better family for yourslef as an adult. Yoga classes are great, aren’t they?
Lori: I think my half-siblings might be feeling that way towards our mutual father. That thye were an “obligation”.
I think I also feel sad about the lack of good relationships at this point. If we had a stronger connection in the past, I probably would have been there for him more right now.
Molly
June 26th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Such a beautiful, brave post, Nurit. I can only imagine how very hard it was to write. Thank you for sharing your father’s story with us.
Molly’s last blog post..Some time away
Anne
July 8th, 2009 at 9:21 am
Nurit, one thing that strikes me about you is what a committed and loving mom you are. Rather than passing the pain on to your kids, you took a painful part of your life and said, The buck stops here. To me, that shows strength of character and heart. I find it inspiring.
Anne´s last blog ..Olive Oil is the New Garlic
Anne
July 8th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Nurit, one thing that strikes me about you is what a committed and loving mom you are. As you said, rather than passing the pain on to your kids, you took a painful part of your life and said, “The buck stops here.” To me, that shows strength of character and heart. I find it inspiring. By the way, I find the photo on this post to be beautiful and moving.
Anne´s last blog ..Olive Oil is the New Garlic
Nurit - 1 family. friendly. food.
July 8th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Molly, thank you.
Anne, yes, “The buck stops here.” – exactly!
As for the photo, it was actually taken by a friend at my son’s birthday party. I guess I was in a seriuos mood for a moment. But it does look as if I posed for this post, doesn’t it?
Thank you for your kind words. I do owe it to my children, they are so small and fragile and innocent.
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